Today's Bit

        2-24-99    Do you ever have one of Those Days?  The kind where you are getting sh*t from every direction?  I'm having one. I just want to break out the flak jacket and hide in the nearest trench until the shelling stops.  I just want to yell "GET OFF MY BACK", but of course I won't.  Ugh.  Could I be right just once?  Please won't somebody, anybody, let me win just once?  Whine whine whine...  Ignore my pity party.


        I have to tell you, I am so dang proud of myself for doing this.  I mean, I just said "That's it, I'm going to teach myself how to make a web site", and five days later this beautiful site sprang into the world.  I kick some serious butt.  Go ME!  (So what if I am my own cheerleader?  Someone has to be.)  Not to say that I am the best, and I know all there is to know, far from it.  I'm just saying that I think I did a pretty good job, and all by myself.

Do you think that it's wrong of me to celebrate my accomplishments?  If you do, then I stick my big fat tongue out at you.  I think it's a good thing to toot my horn a little.  This world is so full of people who want to drag you down and belittle you.  Why put up with that?  I am not falling for that.  I think there is a difference in being modest and in downplaying your achievements.  I'm not going to pretend that I didn't do something I did, I'm not going to pretend that I'm not proud of what I did, and I'm not going to NOT give myself a little kiss for doing a great job.  I'm not talking about this site, I'm talking about in general.  I did good.  I love me.  So there.

        I have so many things to say today, and I don't know where to start.  I don't want to make this too long, but I don't want to stop writing right now either.  Hmm...
        I wonder what other journalers think about their site?  I wonder if they know who's reading, or if they care.  Maybe to them the important thing is that it's out there.  I don't know, the web is such a big place that you can put something up and NEVER have anyone see it.  But I think the point isn't that someone reads it, I think the point is that it's out there.  It's like a privately public exhibition.  That's an odd thought.  I think it makes it easier knowing that almost anyone who chances upon your site is going to be a stranger. I don't care what strangers think of me. If any of my friends DO stop by, hey, they are my friends.  If they couldn't handle the internal ME, then they wouldn't be my friends anyway.
        Wow, that's so wonderful.  I just realized, this is an almost completely consequence free world.  A stranger can't hurt me and a friend wouldn't hurt me (I wouldn't post sensitive stuff about friends, by the way).  I can be MYSELF without really worrying about the fallout.  This is amazing. It's too bad real life isn't like this.

        It's too bad that most people don't want you to be yourself. I'm realizing this more and more lately. It seems that people will say that they want you to be you, but they really want you to be their idea of you.  It's that old thing where you say, "Oh, you're perfect", but what you mean is, "Oh, you'd BE perfect if you did this and this".  I'm not immune to this, so don't think I'm getting all high and mighty here.  I am guilty, so guilty.  But where is the line in this?  Where is it ok to say "change please", and where is it wrong.  I'm not talking about just 'lovers', I'm talking about everything.
        Is it ok for my work to ask me to dress more "girly", in dresses and heels and such?  If that is ok, is it ok to ask me to wear makeup too?  And then is it ok to ask me to curl my hair every day?  See what I mean?  Obviously SOME requests are ok, and sometimes it's fine to say "you'd be perfect if.....", but sometimes it's not appropriate or right.  Where do you draw that line?
        And love, oh my goodness.  Where in love is it ok to request change?  That's a sticky one, right?  Because love is so much more important to most people than their lame JOB.  LOVE is EVERYTHING.  So, do you destroy and invalidate that love if you ask it to change for you?  I don't know  (Geez, why don't people come with manuals?).
        I think that it's ok to ask for some small things to change.  Like if your honey throws his/her shoes all over the place (one of my bad habits..I confess), it's OK to ask that they please not do that.  I think that's ok.  It's not asking them to change their basic personality to suit you, it's asking that they show a little consideration for you.
        But to ask them to stop being friends with somebody because you don't like that person....mmmm.. See, sticky.  On the one hand, you want to make your love happy, so you want to give in.  But on the other hand, why do you have lose a good friend because your love doesn't like the person?  And no, my baby hasn't asked me to leave a friend, or I him.  I'm just using a 'what-if'.

I think that's enough probing  for this psyche today.  I'll write again tomorrow.
 

Write Bee
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