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Last night Muffin and I drove around and talked and talked and talked for hours. Most of what we talked about was my mother. I realized last night that I need to just accept that I did NOT do anything to make my mother not want to be in my life. I had nothing to do with it. She chose her life and her lifestyle, and if she chooses not to be in her children's lives, that is her decision. I did not push her away, I did not do anything to make her want to leave. It's hard to just let it go though.
I hate that I let her have power over me like this. I want to just push her out of my head and my heart and my feelings. I want to just say "Go away. I don't need you anymore, and I don't want you anymore. I choose not to care about you. I choose not to let your choices affect and hurt me. I reject you and all you are." If only it was that easy.
I feel sorry for my mom to some degree. She is so totally unequipped to handle life. She is 41 years old and still acts like she's 16. She still doesn't realize that her actions have consequences. She won't accept responsibility for herself or her actions. It's always someone else's fault. It's the system, or the boyfriend, or this or that. My mom never grew up.
I feel smug sometimes though. From the time that I realized that normal parents weren't like mine, and that other kids had better lives and parents, I've always been afraid that I'd turn into my mother. I was always determined that I would have a better life for myself and for my children. And I think I'm doing it. I have a better car than she's ever had, I live in a better apartment than any she's ever had, and I have already surpassed my mother's degree of success in life. And I'm about half her age. That is sad. But it makes me feel so good about myself.
Last night Powie asked me, "What would you do if you found your mom?". I don't know. I have no answer to that. Part of me wants to say that I'd yell and scream and punish her, if that's possible. And another part wants to be nice so she doesn't go away again. Ugh. I just don't know. I guess that I just want to get some answers.
People, if you are going
to have children, please realize that this is a lifetime commitment, not
a temporary one.